detachment

i need to detach from people for a while. i'm aware i will be going into dark places. i will go insane. it will take a lot of strength to get me through the summer. I will be alone most of the summer...so i know it's going to be painful. this is not unlike any other summer. people don't know this...the pain i go through when everybody leaves. thoughts of loneliness consume me. i wish i had somebody. someone i could talk to and be intimate with. i ask this, but it's pointless. i believe in karma. i just hope i have the patience until i am saved. society and i don't mix very well. what i find to talk about to people is normal for me, but not to them. i want somebody who'll listen...and try not to fix anything...just let me be. i'm not waiting for the right person to just come along, i am putting myself out there. for someone with social anxiety, it's very difficult, but it's something i must do because i need somebody. i don't just want, i need. people are the only thing that give me patience to understand myself and give me strength to keep living. i hate how society frowns upon anyone who is depressed...they are probably thinking "oh they're fucked up and all sad and stuff so i'll remember to stay away from them." and society is scared in general to delve in those topics. it's so difficult most days to be me and have AS. i poor my heart out and my friends don't give a fuck because they think i'm fucked up. where are the deep, emotional people. like jenny on the l word...she was fucked up and she still had friends and girlfriends to get her through her shit. people shouldn't be scared when someone is depressed. they should realize that these are real human emotions. no one will ever have a perfect relationship. nothing will ever be perfect...it's perfect the way it already is. i've got my shit, but i've also been given a gift.

...and they would understand

If someone I knew were to sing this song to me...they would be the one. They would understand. They would not be scared.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RByvzmmEFiQ

The lyrics:

Wake.. from your sleep
The drying of your tears
Today we escape, we escape

Pack.. and get dressed
Before your father hears us
Before all hell breaks loose

Breathe, keep breathing
Don't lose your nerve
Breathe, keep breathing
I can't do this alone

Sing.. us a song
A song to keep us warm
There's such a chill, such a chill

You can laugh
A spineless laugh
We hope your rules and wisdom choke you
Now we are one in everlasting peace

We hope that you choke, that you choke
We hope that you choke, that you choke
We hope that you choke, that you choke

And You Give Yourself Away

I have come to some realizations over the past 24 hours. I have spent too much time thinking about Ariel. I realized that she won't give me a chance. She doesn't want to understand the person who I am. I can't change who I am...I'm having a rather difficult time trying to understand who I am myself. But alas she is scared because she doesn't want to get involved with me. I'm a complex person and if anything were to happen to me she would feel as if it were her fault. That is not true. My decisions are based on my judgments. Nothing will happen to me anyway. I have been getting a lot of help and it is working. But I have been thinking about her too much nonetheless and I have been wasting my time. I gave myself away and it scared her. I'm sorry for that. But that is what happens when you get into a relationship (even friendship)...if you care enough about the person you will be there for them and help them in any way possible. I feel like Ariel was never there for me. I feel really low at points, but that doesn't mean I'm a negative person...I'm actually hardly negative. I never complain about my depression or anxiety...if anything I joke about it. I don't take it seriously and neither should anyone else.

I need to move on and let go. I'm still mad because I would contact her and she would never get back to me. I feel I got blown off. I see her from time to time with her friends. It upsets me. She hurt me.

right now

i'm not in a good place right now.

One Song

If I had to describe myself in one song, this would be it:

When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry

You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fuckin' special

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
when I'm not around
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here, ohhhh, ohhhh

She's running out again
She's running out
She run run run run...
run... run...

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't belong here...

Asperger's is Inconvenient

I have recently been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. This explains a lot of why I am the way I am, but I still have to deal with it on a daily basis. Asperger's pretty much guarantees that every social component in your life will be awkward, complicated, confusing, etc....and you end up spending most of your time alone. Us aspies can't pick up on social cues as the average person can. We could talk on and on about something that we find enjoyable, while boring the people listening to death. If someone yawns, looks away for a period of time, etc. we don't pick those up those as cues for us to shut up. Also, when someone is joking, we probably won't laugh and people may find that strange why we're so serious all the time. I was a very serious kid growing up. I didn't know how to have fun. During the summers before I got a job, I wouldn't be outside playing, I would be inside focusing on my feelings of anxiety and depression. That's why I have to live a structured life...or else these feeling of loneliness, anxiety, and depression control my thoughts. During High School it took me 3.5 years to find a good group of kids to hang out with and who I felt comfortable around. But soon after I found that comfort I went to college to start all over again. College is a lot more difficult for aspies. It's a lot harder to find people you feel comfortable around because there are so many people and so many groups to join. Freshman year sucked balls. I kept to myself and did my school work, but was bored the rest of the time. So instead of socializing, I focused on my feelings of loneliness, etc. I wouldn't even know how to approach anyone anyway. Human behavior is very confusing for me. Sophomore year was another crap shoot. It wasn't until Junior year in college I became somewhat comfortable with the people around me. Up until now I have never been to a party, or even hung out with kids outside of class. Lameee. A few of my "friends" left after my junior year and I entered my senior year completely depressed. I had nothing to look forward to anymore...I had to find a new gang of people to hang out with. It was immpossible...only then did I realize how much I need people. I started medication the winter of my senior year and therapy a year later...all the while keeping to myself hoping that someone would come to me...I was just waiting. After 6 months of therapy...I finally realized that I need people in my life,, but how could I if I have social anxiety and this fear that I will never connect with anyone. "Join a group" my therapist suggested. I could, but I didn't want it to be like a nerdy group because I decided that I finally wanted to be intimate with someone. The one thing in my life that I need and that I don't fear anymore. For some reason I wanted to be intimate with another woman, so naturally I joined Pride. I have no expectations about what may happen. I just keep on attending meetings and going to Pride events. I'm still immature with the social aspect of it...don't know when to laugh, talk, etc. Most of the times it makes me very frustrated. Like I meet people and we're both like "yeah we should totally hang out"...but if I don't hear from them, I assume that they really didn't want to hang out....and yeah. It leaves me heartbroken sometimes, but I'm really just taking things way too personally. So slowly I'm getting to understand myself a little better. I haven't found anyone that I hang out a lot with yet :/ On the flip side to having Asperger's...you're a fucking genius.

Altered State

It happened again tonight. The music transported me. Again, I was grounded only by my breathe and flowed freely to wherever the music took me. I was with Ariel. I was in her room watching her again with no judgment...she's just a human being as we all are. I broke down crying. It was so beautiful! I felt so much compassion for her and for all humans it made everything seem so sad. I don't know why humans doing natural things makes me feel sad, but it does. It's like all judgments I make disappear and I see everything for what it is and it is nothing more than who we are...that's what makes it sad. It's because the answer is so simple...everyone thinks the answer is complicated, but it's not...that is what makes it sad for me. My expectations were too high...don't expect anything and you'll get everything. I embraced Ariel. Felt all of her emotions flow through me and dissolve. The emotions were connected to memories. I could feel them and I could feel her. I started to cry again. Then I took a step back and stroked her cheek with my hand and looked into her relaxed eyes as if she was telling me with a smile "It's okay."

I slowly pulled myself back into reality.

I have never felt so much compassion. I need to bring this compassion into my life. It's been inside of me this whole time. It's like being reborn.

Everything in life is beautiful, even death.

Dream

Glens Falls, or at least what appeared to be the city of Glens Falls, was made entirely of chocolate. There was nothing else to eat, except for chocolate. I hated it. I remember telling my dad that my mom was going to have a heart attack. He said no, she won't. I still disagreed with him. It's like I could feel the future and it was telling me that she was going to have a heart attack. Then I remember being in my house and then leaving to a neighbors house down the street. When I left my house, it felt like only my dad was there. At my neighbors house, I went into this room that seemed very similar to a movie theatre, but smaller. We were watching something on the big screen. I started to complain to people how it was unfair that all we had to eat was chocolate. It was very unhealthy. Then I remember eating a piece of chocolate. I didn't recognize any of the people, but I could feel the presence of my mother. It was an anxious feeling.

I don't want the world to see me, because I don't think they'll understand

You won't understand this. This feeling that I feel. I feel the music and it makes me feel this way. I am no longer attached to people. I let go. I can see earth and all the people in it are just people. Some I know, most I don't. I just watch them from above. Specifically, I watch my friends. I sat in Ariel's room and just watched her do what she was doing...watching television, on the computer. No interference. No telling her what to do. Then I breathed her breathe. I could feel her energy. Everything she did was perfection. Her breathing, her posture, her typing ever so quickly on the keyboard....

I sat in Darshu's apartment and watched him too. Just watching him do what he did at those exact moments...and what he did was perfection. The simple act of rising up from his seat was pure. The way his muscles worked...signals sent from his brain to the correct muscles which allowed him to push off the seat and hold his weight was perfect.

Then I was with Allen feeling what he felt. Whatever it was, I felt it and understand him.

It's like I was watching everything in slow motion and my breathe was the only thing that grounded me. Seeing people as just simple people...so innocent....so innocent.

Light as a Feather

That's not me. When there is the slightest change in wind flow, the feather changes course. It is able to change and adapt easily without becoming upset, angry, depressed, or even happy, joyful etc. The feather just is. That's what I would like to achieve in my lifetime. I know I will be alone...so I should embrace my loneliness and make peace with it...that's my goal in life. My thoughts, are just thoughts, but they make me feel like I am drowning in them...when rather I should be gently touching each thought and letting it go. Attachment...that's a word that I associate myself with too much. I become too attached, but not to material things...rather to people. People who don't take life all too seriously and know how to have fun...but are wise even at their young age...I become very much attached to those people. They're not rare, but they're not plentiful either. They come in just the right quantity on earth. I fall in love with them (as if they were my brother or sister) too quickly and then all of the sudden high school is over, or college is over, or your summer job is done. And that's it. We separate and never see each other again. Once and a while we'll ask how each is doing. I always say "fine", but don't mean it. What I go through is depression. Lack of interest in anything. Panic attacks daily...little sleep at night. I become quiet and unlikable. That would happen to me when I was younger. Now I'm seeing someone and I'm on medication. Medication works wonders. I hate how people view other people taking meds..."oh they must be sick, or all fucked up." As a matter of fact we are sick and fucked up, but we feel those deep emotions that people rarely feel. How would you like to feel pain that no one else in the world felt? Nobody understands you...you would want that pain to go away right? That's what the medication is there for.

So I am deep.

Music can be deep. I think most people listen to music because it makes them happy. It's an escape out of our everyday lives...a break if only for a few moments. I don't listen to music that makes me happy...I listen to music that makes me feel. I can go places I never thought I could go. I've explored the universe, been to the moon, etc. I meditate on the music...I rarely sing along with it...rather, I let the frequencies of the music enter my ears, flow into my brain, and resonate with the neurons. I relax and let it take me wherever. Sometimes it's not a place. Sometimes it's a feeling in my soul that I cannot put into words.

The following songs have changed my life. Just listen and feel, don't watch.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DT-dxG4WWf4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n7TLTjqUyog
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rOoCixFA8OI

Music Saves.

I don't want to preach.

I spent most of the day tormented by my own thoughts. Thoughts of love that will never come, happiness which won't either, and of course suicide. I always think about suicide...it's what lonely people do in their spare time...either that or blog about it. I have a very good Buddhist therapist who knows that my angry thoughts lead to thoughts of suicide. That is true. I have never attempted anything...only have I thought of the easiest way out...putting a gun to my head, overdosing on my medication, jumping off a bridge. The key to killing yourself is to be successful. The more I age the worse it gets. I try so hard to form friendships or relationships and they *always* leave. Yeah sure we can be friends they say...but then weeks later i'm like "where the hell did you go?" No answer. Maybe it's because I scare them. Face it people, there are people who are not happy and want to end their lives. That is the truth. But what they don't understand is that they are the only thing who make me want to survive another day. Being around them frees me. I have the necessities to live, but I think love is a need not a want.

I'm very smart. I do well in all my classes. What eats me alive is what would it feel like to have long term friends? Or even be in a relationship? I'm ready. During my college career, I was too anxious to do anything, but now that I'm getting help...I'm ready. Ready for the intimacy, commitment, fights, firsts, inspiration, laughs. I have been heartbroken over only a few "relationships" that I consider "relationships" which consists of talking in the science library over homework and going to someone's dorm for the first time in my life. You would be amazed. Took me six years of college to finally get invited to someone's dorm and hang out.

My therapist says that many people rarely spend time to themselves because they are afraid to find out who they are. That is true...that's why there are distractions such as television, movies, books. I dare you to spend an hour alone in your room and just meditate on yourself. Most will never make it though...they'll become bored. Not me. I had an experience. A few years ago I was going through another depression. Everyday I walked into the mountains and sat somewhere for hours. I would meditate on nature and on myself. I learned a lot and discovered that I am my best teacher. I think we all live in our own realities and they can easily change them if we change ourselves. There is much hope in me...it's just taking me a while to get over the last blow. And to me is was a blow...because it was my first anything. I was tricked. And still can't get over it. I mean how did you get off so easily?

MUSIC IS EVERYTHING TO ME. It has saved my life a few times.