Asperger's is Inconvenient

I have recently been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. This explains a lot of why I am the way I am, but I still have to deal with it on a daily basis. Asperger's pretty much guarantees that every social component in your life will be awkward, complicated, confusing, etc....and you end up spending most of your time alone. Us aspies can't pick up on social cues as the average person can. We could talk on and on about something that we find enjoyable, while boring the people listening to death. If someone yawns, looks away for a period of time, etc. we don't pick those up those as cues for us to shut up. Also, when someone is joking, we probably won't laugh and people may find that strange why we're so serious all the time. I was a very serious kid growing up. I didn't know how to have fun. During the summers before I got a job, I wouldn't be outside playing, I would be inside focusing on my feelings of anxiety and depression. That's why I have to live a structured life...or else these feeling of loneliness, anxiety, and depression control my thoughts. During High School it took me 3.5 years to find a good group of kids to hang out with and who I felt comfortable around. But soon after I found that comfort I went to college to start all over again. College is a lot more difficult for aspies. It's a lot harder to find people you feel comfortable around because there are so many people and so many groups to join. Freshman year sucked balls. I kept to myself and did my school work, but was bored the rest of the time. So instead of socializing, I focused on my feelings of loneliness, etc. I wouldn't even know how to approach anyone anyway. Human behavior is very confusing for me. Sophomore year was another crap shoot. It wasn't until Junior year in college I became somewhat comfortable with the people around me. Up until now I have never been to a party, or even hung out with kids outside of class. Lameee. A few of my "friends" left after my junior year and I entered my senior year completely depressed. I had nothing to look forward to anymore...I had to find a new gang of people to hang out with. It was immpossible...only then did I realize how much I need people. I started medication the winter of my senior year and therapy a year later...all the while keeping to myself hoping that someone would come to me...I was just waiting. After 6 months of therapy...I finally realized that I need people in my life,, but how could I if I have social anxiety and this fear that I will never connect with anyone. "Join a group" my therapist suggested. I could, but I didn't want it to be like a nerdy group because I decided that I finally wanted to be intimate with someone. The one thing in my life that I need and that I don't fear anymore. For some reason I wanted to be intimate with another woman, so naturally I joined Pride. I have no expectations about what may happen. I just keep on attending meetings and going to Pride events. I'm still immature with the social aspect of it...don't know when to laugh, talk, etc. Most of the times it makes me very frustrated. Like I meet people and we're both like "yeah we should totally hang out"...but if I don't hear from them, I assume that they really didn't want to hang out....and yeah. It leaves me heartbroken sometimes, but I'm really just taking things way too personally. So slowly I'm getting to understand myself a little better. I haven't found anyone that I hang out a lot with yet :/ On the flip side to having Asperger's...you're a fucking genius.

Altered State

It happened again tonight. The music transported me. Again, I was grounded only by my breathe and flowed freely to wherever the music took me. I was with Ariel. I was in her room watching her again with no judgment...she's just a human being as we all are. I broke down crying. It was so beautiful! I felt so much compassion for her and for all humans it made everything seem so sad. I don't know why humans doing natural things makes me feel sad, but it does. It's like all judgments I make disappear and I see everything for what it is and it is nothing more than who we are...that's what makes it sad. It's because the answer is so simple...everyone thinks the answer is complicated, but it's not...that is what makes it sad for me. My expectations were too high...don't expect anything and you'll get everything. I embraced Ariel. Felt all of her emotions flow through me and dissolve. The emotions were connected to memories. I could feel them and I could feel her. I started to cry again. Then I took a step back and stroked her cheek with my hand and looked into her relaxed eyes as if she was telling me with a smile "It's okay."

I slowly pulled myself back into reality.

I have never felt so much compassion. I need to bring this compassion into my life. It's been inside of me this whole time. It's like being reborn.

Everything in life is beautiful, even death.

Dream

Glens Falls, or at least what appeared to be the city of Glens Falls, was made entirely of chocolate. There was nothing else to eat, except for chocolate. I hated it. I remember telling my dad that my mom was going to have a heart attack. He said no, she won't. I still disagreed with him. It's like I could feel the future and it was telling me that she was going to have a heart attack. Then I remember being in my house and then leaving to a neighbors house down the street. When I left my house, it felt like only my dad was there. At my neighbors house, I went into this room that seemed very similar to a movie theatre, but smaller. We were watching something on the big screen. I started to complain to people how it was unfair that all we had to eat was chocolate. It was very unhealthy. Then I remember eating a piece of chocolate. I didn't recognize any of the people, but I could feel the presence of my mother. It was an anxious feeling.

I don't want the world to see me, because I don't think they'll understand

You won't understand this. This feeling that I feel. I feel the music and it makes me feel this way. I am no longer attached to people. I let go. I can see earth and all the people in it are just people. Some I know, most I don't. I just watch them from above. Specifically, I watch my friends. I sat in Ariel's room and just watched her do what she was doing...watching television, on the computer. No interference. No telling her what to do. Then I breathed her breathe. I could feel her energy. Everything she did was perfection. Her breathing, her posture, her typing ever so quickly on the keyboard....

I sat in Darshu's apartment and watched him too. Just watching him do what he did at those exact moments...and what he did was perfection. The simple act of rising up from his seat was pure. The way his muscles worked...signals sent from his brain to the correct muscles which allowed him to push off the seat and hold his weight was perfect.

Then I was with Allen feeling what he felt. Whatever it was, I felt it and understand him.

It's like I was watching everything in slow motion and my breathe was the only thing that grounded me. Seeing people as just simple people...so innocent....so innocent.