Music Saves.

I don't want to preach.

I spent most of the day tormented by my own thoughts. Thoughts of love that will never come, happiness which won't either, and of course suicide. I always think about suicide...it's what lonely people do in their spare time...either that or blog about it. I have a very good Buddhist therapist who knows that my angry thoughts lead to thoughts of suicide. That is true. I have never attempted anything...only have I thought of the easiest way out...putting a gun to my head, overdosing on my medication, jumping off a bridge. The key to killing yourself is to be successful. The more I age the worse it gets. I try so hard to form friendships or relationships and they *always* leave. Yeah sure we can be friends they say...but then weeks later i'm like "where the hell did you go?" No answer. Maybe it's because I scare them. Face it people, there are people who are not happy and want to end their lives. That is the truth. But what they don't understand is that they are the only thing who make me want to survive another day. Being around them frees me. I have the necessities to live, but I think love is a need not a want.

I'm very smart. I do well in all my classes. What eats me alive is what would it feel like to have long term friends? Or even be in a relationship? I'm ready. During my college career, I was too anxious to do anything, but now that I'm getting help...I'm ready. Ready for the intimacy, commitment, fights, firsts, inspiration, laughs. I have been heartbroken over only a few "relationships" that I consider "relationships" which consists of talking in the science library over homework and going to someone's dorm for the first time in my life. You would be amazed. Took me six years of college to finally get invited to someone's dorm and hang out.

My therapist says that many people rarely spend time to themselves because they are afraid to find out who they are. That is true...that's why there are distractions such as television, movies, books. I dare you to spend an hour alone in your room and just meditate on yourself. Most will never make it though...they'll become bored. Not me. I had an experience. A few years ago I was going through another depression. Everyday I walked into the mountains and sat somewhere for hours. I would meditate on nature and on myself. I learned a lot and discovered that I am my best teacher. I think we all live in our own realities and they can easily change them if we change ourselves. There is much hope in me...it's just taking me a while to get over the last blow. And to me is was a blow...because it was my first anything. I was tricked. And still can't get over it. I mean how did you get off so easily?

MUSIC IS EVERYTHING TO ME. It has saved my life a few times.