detachment

i need to detach from people for a while. i'm aware i will be going into dark places. i will go insane. it will take a lot of strength to get me through the summer. I will be alone most of the summer...so i know it's going to be painful. this is not unlike any other summer. people don't know this...the pain i go through when everybody leaves. thoughts of loneliness consume me. i wish i had somebody. someone i could talk to and be intimate with. i ask this, but it's pointless. i believe in karma. i just hope i have the patience until i am saved. society and i don't mix very well. what i find to talk about to people is normal for me, but not to them. i want somebody who'll listen...and try not to fix anything...just let me be. i'm not waiting for the right person to just come along, i am putting myself out there. for someone with social anxiety, it's very difficult, but it's something i must do because i need somebody. i don't just want, i need. people are the only thing that give me patience to understand myself and give me strength to keep living. i hate how society frowns upon anyone who is depressed...they are probably thinking "oh they're fucked up and all sad and stuff so i'll remember to stay away from them." and society is scared in general to delve in those topics. it's so difficult most days to be me and have AS. i poor my heart out and my friends don't give a fuck because they think i'm fucked up. where are the deep, emotional people. like jenny on the l word...she was fucked up and she still had friends and girlfriends to get her through her shit. people shouldn't be scared when someone is depressed. they should realize that these are real human emotions. no one will ever have a perfect relationship. nothing will ever be perfect...it's perfect the way it already is. i've got my shit, but i've also been given a gift.

...and they would understand

If someone I knew were to sing this song to me...they would be the one. They would understand. They would not be scared.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RByvzmmEFiQ

The lyrics:

Wake.. from your sleep
The drying of your tears
Today we escape, we escape

Pack.. and get dressed
Before your father hears us
Before all hell breaks loose

Breathe, keep breathing
Don't lose your nerve
Breathe, keep breathing
I can't do this alone

Sing.. us a song
A song to keep us warm
There's such a chill, such a chill

You can laugh
A spineless laugh
We hope your rules and wisdom choke you
Now we are one in everlasting peace

We hope that you choke, that you choke
We hope that you choke, that you choke
We hope that you choke, that you choke

And You Give Yourself Away

I have come to some realizations over the past 24 hours. I have spent too much time thinking about Ariel. I realized that she won't give me a chance. She doesn't want to understand the person who I am. I can't change who I am...I'm having a rather difficult time trying to understand who I am myself. But alas she is scared because she doesn't want to get involved with me. I'm a complex person and if anything were to happen to me she would feel as if it were her fault. That is not true. My decisions are based on my judgments. Nothing will happen to me anyway. I have been getting a lot of help and it is working. But I have been thinking about her too much nonetheless and I have been wasting my time. I gave myself away and it scared her. I'm sorry for that. But that is what happens when you get into a relationship (even friendship)...if you care enough about the person you will be there for them and help them in any way possible. I feel like Ariel was never there for me. I feel really low at points, but that doesn't mean I'm a negative person...I'm actually hardly negative. I never complain about my depression or anxiety...if anything I joke about it. I don't take it seriously and neither should anyone else.

I need to move on and let go. I'm still mad because I would contact her and she would never get back to me. I feel I got blown off. I see her from time to time with her friends. It upsets me. She hurt me.

right now

i'm not in a good place right now.